ISSUE NO. 8: COURTSHIP

I woke up this morning and I couldn’t even grab another word to hold onto besides her name. Today I feel light and drifting, maybe that’s not the word. I feel something tingly from within my chest and as I’m rolling through these endless roads and looking into this pale blue, I can only think of her. It’s actually killing me to not write about her, so I’m doing this outside of a McDonald’s parking lot on the side of the highway. I wanna tell her everything. I’m glad I can tell her everything. I wish I could look at her. And see the way she understands what I mean when I say she’s make me feel present in the world no one else can right now. I’ve been happy before, but this feels like it’s overflowing. I don’t ever want to lie to her, I don’t have any cards left to play I feel. I wish I could write more right now, but my brain is just spinning. I can feel more now. I smile more. She affects the way I taste things, but mostly the way I see. I don’t know what these pictures will be like, but I feel courageous and sure of myself. I don’t ever feel that way. Right now, there’s no return destination and it doesn’t even matter, every day it makes me happier to know I’m getting closer to her. Maybe this is crazy, but in some moments, I can literally feel time bending around the gravitational pull between us, like I’m aware of the ebbs and flows. I’ve felt happy before, but this is the first time in years I’ve felt present, and even this feels so uniquely specific because of her. I wanna be a great writer too, and I want so deeply to have her look at me with pride in her eyes the way I have pride in my voice when I say her name. 

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Brian Van Lau